Thoughts

Babies!?

Just a few days ago I saw a little news clip on my Facebook newsfeed where a couple with five children decided to foster-adopt their neighbor’s three children after learning that she was diagnosed with Esophageal Cancer. The couple did not know their neighbor, but one of their daughters was friends with the neighbor’s daughter. Long story short, the neighbor passed away after two months and the couple took the 3 children in. The couple was nominated by a different neighbor to get a surprise renovation in their house so that there would be a space for each child. The one thing that I took away from this was when the mother of the children said to the news-lady, “I don’t have to carry them in my belly in order to love them.” This hit me hard. I was bawling my eyes out throughout the whole clip, however hearing this one line I started crying even more!

This line will forever be engrained in me as I continue to live and one day get married and start a family of my own. A little personal information about myself is that I have irregular periods. Along with that is that I’m obese. Looking at me you would think I’m perfectly normal, however on the inside, I’m all sorts of different. Nonetheless, I used to worry myself to death about the fact that I wouldn’t be able to give birth to children some day. It always made me cry when I talked about it with my partner and I always put myself down for failing as a woman. I just felt like I couldn’t have any kids because I tried a few times with my ex and nothing happened. Once we broke up, I eventually got with another man. And with my new partner, I always stressed to him that I probably couldn’t have kids some day due to my weight and irregular periods. And even though he said that it didn’t matter to him, that we could foster or adopt some day, inside I still always just felt like a failure to society, to nature, to my partner. I cried to my partner whenever a friend or cousin announced their pregnancy, and I would cry to my partner because I knew he didn’t have long to live and I was worried that as a woman, I wouldn’t be able to leave his legacy behind. One day I am hoping to go get some fertility testing done, but it’ll have to wait for now.

So, after seeing that clip on Facebook, I came to a realization. And although I am not a very religious person in regard to believing in God, it was in that moment where I thought to myself that maybe God made me this way – that maybe I possibly wouldn’t be able to give birth to kids of my own someday – was because I had so much love to give to all of the other kids in the world who needed it. From this, I was able to feel so much better about myself – and my partner even joked with me that one day if we are able to foster or adopt, we would be adopting all of the kids in the world because we had so much love to give. And he always, always told me that I am the most caring, wonderful, and loving woman in the world and in his entire life; he always reassured me that I would be a great mother some day – to any kid.

So, my message for this post is that I learned that there is no failure in not being able to give birth to kids of my own. I am still a woman, and I am still human. By stopping my selfish worries,  I was finally able to realize after a long time that there are other things to love and worry about in the world. I mean, I always told myself that I could adopt or foster some day, but I never truly believed in it; I just said it to get things off of my mind for the moment. However now, now I am more confident and happy in myself. Now I am able to worry less. And I owe part of that to my loving and understanding partner.

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