So yesterday I had my second counseling session. My counselor told me to write about three things that I could change to make me happier. We only got through two, but my top two were the most important ones to me anyway: my relationship with my family and relatives, and secondly my confidence and optimism.
My relationship with my family has grown apart as I’ve gotten older. Weirdly enough I get this weird ambiance when I’m around my older siblings, however I am fine when I’m around my younger siblings. In addition, I always feel this sense of needing to get validation that I belong when I’m with my cousins because I always feel like I don’t belong and that I’m an outsider. I have frequently noticed that as I got older, my relationship with everyone started to change; granted, relationships will always change as we age, however I just felt so out of place and ousted, which is why I wanted to address this problem by letting my counselor know how I felt.
Secondly, I have very low self-esteem and confidence. I am very sure that this is due to my childhood and upbringing. Growing up I was always ridiculed for being fat and at a young age (even before I was a teenager) I was frequently reprimanded for not being as skinny or beautiful as my older sister. My parents and grandma would always taunt me, saying that I would never be able to get married or get into a relationship when I got older. Nonetheless, when I did get into a relationship with my ex, my mom shamed me by saying “Aren’t you embarrassed to be dating him because he’s so skinny and you’re so fat standing next to him?” I tried to shrug this off every time she said it or I thought about it, but I never really let go of those words she engraved into my memory. Even today, with my loving and supportive boyfriend, I am still so self-conscious and negative, always annoying him with my low self-esteem and hurting our relationship by doubting that he’ll continue to love me when he sees me for the first time in April (as we are in a long distance relationship). I mean we video chat and send pictures all the time, but I always still have this sense of doubt and fear inside of me that my boyfriend will be repelled when he sees me in person. However, after going to my two sessions, I am gradually trying to be more positive, and also be more trusting of my partner. It is really, really hard though when all I have been used to for 21 years is to think negative and doubt everything and every one.
For my next session, we will be talking about some of my fears. I am eager to go to my sessions because I finally get to talk to someone who will just listen and not give advice. As my counselor keeps telling me, he’s not going to give me advice because I already know deep down inside what I want to do. And he’s right, I really do know deep down what I want to do. It’s just a matter of finding the most balanced path towards making those decisions.
Other great reads to look over