Session #3 was pretty interesting. I felt like my counselor was more straight forward with me and less soft, if you know what I mean. We talked about my fears, and one of the fears I mentioned was the fear of opening up to my siblings about how I felt about them, and then having them only be nice to me because of pity; this is something that I have always feared since I was young, because I have always contemplated the idea of opening up to everyone about my feelings. Hopefully someday – maybe after my sessions this semester – I will be able to open up to them.
The second fear that we talked about was my fear of failure: failure to my parents, to my community, and especially to myself. Long story short, we figured out that because of my parents who set such high standards for my siblings and me, I set my own high standards for myself – standards which were so high that it made me throw myself into so many positions, tasks, and activities that I don’t even enjoy. I did all of these things just because I wanted to be on top, I wanted to be better, I wanted to be the best, I wanted to beat others, I wanted that extra cushion or padding for my image. Now I blatantly realize that I don’t have to be the best, that I don’t have to do everything, that I don’t have to be the smartest in order to enact change or send my message out. All my life I always wanted that cushion so that I could make something out of myself just so that I could have something to prove to my parents, and possibly even to myself. Instead of thinking about proving something to my parents, I really should just focus on myself.
As we ended our discussion, we talked about my confidence and self-image. He literally stopped me in my tracks and told me that on all three occasions that I have met with him, I always found a way to interject a comment about how I hated how my appearance. Thus, we are now going to work on fixing my self image, because my image is kind of the root or core of fixing the rest of my problems and feelings. This I totally agree with because I don’t have any confidence at all – I just feign confidence in order to make it through the day. I feign my strength and that is what causes me to be so emotionally drained at the end of the day, thus causing me to not get any school work or physical activity done. Thus, my next assignment is to think of a “SMART” plan of three things I could do/change in order to fix my self-esteem and bad habits. Obviously, I know that I will be focusing on a plan to portion my food and choose relatively healthier options, as well as starting to be more physically active, even if it’s for 15 minutes a day or every other day… Starting small is the way to go: that’s what I am reminding myself.
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